I write this in as a reflection, almost 4 years later. This reflection looks upon with Loss’ past, present, and future. 

 

 

2026, in Kuwait.

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Only now I am able to revisit this piece during the US-Israel-Iran war. I am here in Kuwait, leaving and reflecting on my overall career in Manila. A lot has changed since this project, a lot has happened with world events, but importantly, I have gained and changed a lot since.

I was able to revisit this website and project because I had to re-upload the videos, because the original uploaded videos on YouTube were deleted along with my school email.

I created my personal portfolio website right before making this project. I learned through Artist Biz Started Kit class. Very beneficial to the process, making, and outcome of this website. 

 

In exploring the different medium and still trying to call it “theatre,” I faced challenges when it went back on site. I felt like I was not equipped enough to direct, or act, or be a theatre thespian, despite all of the positive feedback and awards of this specific project. 

 

 

The setting, the before. 

I made with Loss as a requirement for my BFA Theater Arts Degree from Ateneo de Manila University. This is one of the projects that awarded me the Loyola Schools Award for the Arts, an award for outstanding artistic students in Ateneo. 

I told myself if there was a chance to do my thesis on-site, I will be acting. If it were online, it would be directing. I went with directing because it was still quarantine in the COVID pandemic, and I had better control of all I could with my project with directing. 

 

I was grieving, and in a hard place mentally while I was completing this project. I was grieving my freedom, my free will, and college journey, and I still do, and rightfully so. with Loss was my way of expressing that, an attempt to facing it bravely. 

 

The technique

 

Documentary theatre is a performance genre that uses pre-existing, non-fictional material—such as interviews, transcripts, reports, and diaries—to explore real-life events and people. It often functions as investigative or verbatim theatre, focusing on political or social issues by staging factual records rather than traditional fictional scripts.

I had each actor do the research in their context—different accounts from different website or social media statements, or accounts from friends and family, journals, or even interviews. Then, combining each quote and translation through collaboration with each character (and google docs), to make each video, rehearsed it, and filmed it. 

Initial meeting to filming the entire video took 2-4 zoom meetings each. Ranging from 1-4 hours each, depending on the actors availability.

1st meeting - the invite, the context, the purpose of the project
2nd meeting - initial ideas, discussion of research, and combining of text and translation
3rd meeting - 1st rehearsal, camera set-up (what's allowed to be filmed in their room? how many cameras can do you have? is your internet connection okay?)
4th meeting - recording (usually 3-4 takes)

Grief is such a heavy topic to tackle. I knew that. At the time, I was hearing about Intimacy Coordination and talking to them about this process trying to be a brave space. A space where the actor can go full out because they know there is a system behind them that will catch them. It was tricky channelling the actors emotions because it was scary to unpack a can of worms (negative emotions) because they would not have a place to expel or leave it (like a theatre), because it was set in their own homes. I made sure to have check in and check out in each session, and reassured them they can talk to me and ask me questions anytime if the material takes a toll on them. I was ready to provide help.

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The actors and collaborators

 

I created this project during the pandemic, using my 6 year old (at the time) Macbook Pro. I edited it all by myself, directed, and coordinated different time zones with actors across the globe. I used Zoom premium and a scheduling app that coordinated the actors' available times in their local timezone. It was pretty nifty. 

 

I have met these talented actors and artistic team throughout my college journey, and I am thankful to still call them friends today, and we still keep in touch. Some I met in Ateneo, some I met through my 2019 workshop in New York. The goal was to give different perspectives of what grief and isolation was in the pandemic despite different contexts, and I think I was able to capture that. 

 

I met Jam and Bea in Ateneo, while Carolina, Zoe, and Sophie from New York. It is a testament to how I was able to collaborate with them through the circumstances, their generosity and patience towards me and this project is something I will cherish and be grateful for. Hope I could collaborate with them in person in the future. It's honestly also a testament of how I can sacrifice for my art. 

 

The feedback 

 

We can never please everyone. I knew that from the beginning. I tried my best to be out of the box with what I had.

The feedback was what I expected it to be— the Philippine audience responded better, or showed a preference to Philippine context videos (tumindig, minumulto) and my friends from Kuwait, who were studying in the UK at the time, inclined more towards walk on, because of it’s history. Lastly, saudade and unpack, the most experimental ones in language, playing with Portuguese and silence respectively, was received very well by artists, as it aimed to challenge it’s viewer to understand and empathize without the full context or understanding. The goal was to always, simply feel it.

I think it achieved that goal.

with Loss was ultimately praised for it’s innovation and creativity despite the circumstances of space. Using the tools (like zoom) to extend the connection to something that would be a logistical and a financial nightmare of bringing in international actors to Manila, was clever.

 

What came and felt next

 

I didn’t realize that this was one of the few projects that was fully and truly mine, artistically. No producing company whispering in my ear, no pressure to make sales and be ‘commercial’ for everyone to understand. It was always about truth, service, and creativity.

It started my career. I went on to act, direct, produce in different artistic endeavors, and I can still look back on this fondly and say it's creative intensity was invigoratingly mine. I hope to get that feeling again with future projects I do as I get older and get more life experience.

Thankfully, with Loss’ anchoring theme of grief will resonate throughout everyone’s life. It exceeds the corners of the pandemic. This is why I hold on so dearly to it. I hope in its curation it is ever green. In any point in time, it’s viewer can understand the feeling that it’s trying to evoke rather than it’s context, but understanding it without it anyway.